


but i can't leave it alone.

by j_whirl44



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Survivor Guilt, negative self image talk?, nothing too explicit i don't think..., uhhhhh this is pretty heavy i think folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24219856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_whirl44/pseuds/j_whirl44
Summary: Azu and Zolf (begin to) have that talk.
Relationships: Azu & Zolf Smith
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	but i can't leave it alone.

Zolf stares out the window and looks out at the sea. It’s clear now, they fixed it, he should be happy about it. The early morning sun hits his face and the calm waves move rhythmically, making the soothing sounds he knows so well.

And yet he’s as tense as he’s ever been.

His knuckles are white and his fingernails are sinking into his palms, leaving crescent shapes in their wake.

His face is streaked with tears that he doesn’t bother to hide with he hears a slight knock at the door. It’s Azu, because of course it is, he thinks. He smiles ever so slightly as he gestures her in.

He doesn’t leave his post by the window, however, and she only takes a few steps in the doorway before she stops. The distance between them somehow makes Zolf more on edge, but he can’t bring himself to move closer.

Azu clears her throat but it still takes a few moments before actual words come out. “Zolf. I…” was all she said.

Zolf could tell she was frustrated and tired and scared. He finally turns to her and motions to the end of his bed. The both sit, the drastic difference in height would be laughable if it was any other moment beside now. The room was silent once more.

“We haven’t known each other long, Zolf, but I...I feel like I know you pretty well,”

“Oh what? Does Aphrodite make you just  _ know _ things about people,” Zolf says. He really truly honestly doesn’t mean to snap like that at her, but the aftereffects of his earlier outburst still linger inside him. He looks down at his hands and traces the crescent imprints on his palms.

“No,” she says firmly. Zolf shrinks slightly at her tone, “Because you wear your heart on your sleeve, even when you don’t mean to,” she continues.

He looks up at her now, her eyes are as soft as they’ve ever been, his chest begins to warm.

“You’re very...passionate in your cause. And I understand that this new situation is stressful but-”

“I know. I’m...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shoot off like that I just,” Zolf interrupts. He begins to ball his hands into fists again, “I didn’t mean to treat everyone like that. I’m upset but it doesn’t excuse what I did.”

“No. It doesn’t,” Azu says.

Zolf feels the anger again because of her short response. He  _ knows _ she’s right. He  _ knows _ the way he talked to the others, the way he talked to Hamid, was out of line.

Yet he watched himself do it. Because there was a small, ugly part of Zolf that didn’t care in the moment. The bubble of a world he’s built for himself over the past eighteen months was crumbling and like a caged animal he struck and he was angry. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t let anyone else die because of him.

He was crying again, Azu reaches out and grabs his hand and interlocks their fingers. Zolf lets out a shaky breath.

“I can’t have. Any more people dying because of...because of me,” he says.

“Zolf,”

“I know what you’re gonna say and I don’t want to hear it,” he says. He tries, half heartedly, to breakfree from her hand but Azu holds firm. She squeezes it for good measure.

“No one had died because of you, Zolf,”

“I don’t know I’ve killed a lot of people…”

“We all have,” she says, “and that isn’t what I mean. You know that.”

Zolf sighs and closes his eyes. He counts to ten.

“People like my brother...like my-like Sasha. They didn’t deserve- They should be here. Instead of-”

“ _ Zolf. That’s enough, _ ” Azu says. She now forces Zolf to look back at her. There’s a pain in her eyes now and she looks at him so harshly it’s like she’s trying to force whatever thought she has in her mind directly into his. It’s too much, but he thinks he understands.

“It’s gonna...take time, Azu. I know I said I’m going to start being more open but there’s some things I just can't yet,” he says. It’s a lame excuse, but it’s all he has the energy for right now. His body aches, it’s been a long few days. A long year and a half. A long life.

He thinks Azu can sense his new found tiredness so after a few moments she nods and places him at the top of the bed. She even goes as far as tucks him in. He feels a bit ridiculous, but he doesn’t protest. She even leans down and gives Zolf a kiss on his forehead. He blushes.

She gets up, but doesn’t leave the room. Instead she walks over to a small bookshelf on the opposite side of the room.

“You don’t have to stay,” he says barely above a whisper.

She scans his bookshelf, picks a worn book and opens it as she sits down in the chair beside it, “Get some rest, Zolf,” she says, “but just know we’re not done talking about this,”

He sighs as he closes his eyes, “I know,” he says.

Sleep comes quickly.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick little interputation of a conversation that is no doubt going to rip my heart out next week!
> 
> Title from Leave it Alone by Hayley Williams
> 
> Hope you enjoyed <3


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